How many partners is too many?
Do you have views on this question? Is the number different for a man than for a woman? If so why?
And do we mean how many partners “at once” or in the course of a lifetime?
See there’s a conversation going on over at a friends blog. I’d usually name who but I don’t know if she would be offended by my linking to her from here so I’m erring on the side of caution.
(Blog-friend, if you drop by here somehow and are quite happy for the link let me know and then consider it done.)
Anyway…
The question being asked was “how many partner’s are too many?”
It made me laugh a bit. First because the conversation concerned a friend of her’s who has fallen head over heels for a new man. So the friend and her new fella have the “numbers” conversation. You know…the “how many have you slept with?”
And this friend was a bit freaked because her new man has had 20 partners. She thought this didn’t fit the image she had of him. She thought it was rather a lot.
My reaction was “20? that’s not many?”
So how many is too much?
My husband and I happened to count the other day just the number of partners we had since we got together! I’m not going to tell you the number.
But it got me thinking. Do number’s really matter?
Surely it’s attitudes that are more important?
I person could have had one lover but treated them like crap. Does that mean they are okay because the number is low?
Given that few people are expected to be virgins on their wedding night (and thank heavens that’s the case) does a big number or a little number really mean so much?
One of the things I have found from being in an open relationship is how much you can grow as a person through being intimate with someone else.
I have a kind of awkward to explain attitude towards sex but I’ll try my best.
On the one hand. It’s just a pleasurable act. It feels good. Good sex feels great.
On the other it is a big deal. I could even say almost spiritual. Its the closest you can physically get to another human being and that is pretty awesome. Add orgasms into the equation (which I would inevitably endeavour for) and it gets even more incredible. The perceived connection is intense. Whether you have known that other person for five years or five minutes.
What I guess I’m trying to say is…
It can be as meaningful or as meaningless as you decide it to be.
The only real difference between polyamory and monogamy for us as a couple is that we have made a decision that there is so much more to our marriage than just sex.
There are many ways my husband or I could betray our marriage but for us having sex with someone else isn’t one of them.
That’s not to say that our previous sexual experiences aren’t in anyway important to our marriage. They are. Each sexual encounter in a persons life can bring baggage as well as fond memories.
But the way I see it, so long as my friends new couple realise that whatever their numbers its their whole life experience that has made them who they are.
And that includes their sexual history.
So maybe they should stop worrying about the numbers and just embrace that as part of the person they’ve fallen in love with?
Of course…if she means how many partners are too many all at the one time?
Well that’s probably whole post in itself.
Technorati Tags: sex, marriage, love, relationships, polyamory, swinging, sexuality, life
February 1, 2007 at 8:11 pm
When we were young, it was about the numbers. Part of that is the youthful need to try everything at the banquet. Now, it’s really more about the quality factor. I would much rather have one or two “steadies” than worry about the pressure of newbies. And there’s more likelihood of being rejected if you play around with a lot.
But as far as “too many,” that’s what the Brits call “daft.”
February 2, 2007 at 9:15 am
As a brit. Yup. I’m with you.
I do think the older you get the more important it is to have “steadies” perhaps you’re tastes become more refined.
Maybe it’s like drinking alcohol. When younger you will try anything, because you’re still trying to figure out what you like. But with the passing years you learn that perhaps you aren’t that keen on gin or whisky gives you a bad hangover or whatever.
February 2, 2007 at 2:05 pm
I have to agree with this. Newbies can be exhausting sometimes. Most times they haven’t worked out their own boundaries, and you have to deal with all that drama.
I’ve been in the lifestyle for about 3 years now, and for me it is definitely about quality and not quantity. That being said….a naked pile on a bed can be pretty hot sometimes….:)
February 3, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Thanks for feeling that we deserve linking on this excellent blog. You explain so simply and cleverly what we take forever to explain generally in life.
We are more than content in our poly relationship but recognise what is and the importance of an open sex life. Monogamy is so restrictive and causes more pain than good. You can be in monogamous in a relationship and still have great sex. If that great sex you desire involves others as well as the ones you love, that’s not wrong.
Keep up the great posting. We are enchanted. Homme, Femme and Siobhan. xx
February 19, 2007 at 1:12 am
I think that the “how many” question is often one that people don’t often really want to know the answer to, yet they ask. People are funny creatures.
February 25, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Ha..so fun to find this post here as I have been thinking about writing about numbers. I loved that line in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” where they are talking about how many hits they had done. Pitt looks cocky and says “50,” thinking that Jolie’s silence means she is impressed or something. She hesitates to tell him how many she has done, then when pushed says “400.” ( if memory serves me correctly..which it often doesn’t, but suffice it to say it was way more than 50). This one made me laugh lots.
I do think it is connection and I don’t think numbers matter, but then I met two people who impressed the hell out of me.
One was a gay man who said he had had over 1000 partners.
The other was an escort for eight years. She had estimated that she had had over 3500 partners.
Now that impresses me, no matter what my ideas about connection vs. numbers.
March 6, 2007 at 11:01 am
The numbers question is one that I have pondered many times in the last 7 months. when I first began my quest last summer I was having 3 or 4 dates a week. Now I have settled for 3 or 4 lovers but I dont see any of them too often as all are married. I still see others occasionally. I am torn between what I am doing being too many partners and being fulfilled by the lovers I have and as they each bring something different to my life they compliment each other.
March 29, 2007 at 9:27 am
The number question.
Is it something about quantity against quality? That seems the most simple explanation. But what is quality? Hard to say, because people are too different to equalize them in such a way. What might be quality to one person, might be experienced in a totally different way by another person. I would however say that numbers matters, because it is not only saying something about your sexual history, but also about the way a person is. It is therefore no use pretending you are a virgin when you are fucking around, unless you want to fool yourself. Why would anybody put up the question about the number of sexual partners? That should answer the question. Feeling guilty? Why? It is you is not it?
February 28, 2008 at 9:31 am
When it all becomes a blur, it’s too many…
http://janeyruthsscreenplays.blogspot.com/
May 9, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Great post. Some people put just waaay too much importance in numbers. Numbers don’t necessarily have anything to do with who you are currently, they say something about your past. If you had a terrible time as a teen and your way of acting out was sleeping with everyone in sight for a couple of years, and then you didn’t have sex for 5 years – and your new mate asked for a number, if you told him 80 that would definitely not give him the correct impression of who you are today.
It’s funny how some people obsess about numbers and others don’t even want to know. My lover would never ask me such a question, he doesn’t want to know anything I’ve done in the past!
Great post.