How I fell in love again

The story continues…

Matt was good with words. I’ve always liked that in a man. And he was good at flirting. Before long things were getting a bit on the steamy side. I started feeling guilty. And filled with desire at the same time.

I fessed up to DH. Explained how it had just been a laugh.  But now was beginning to feel like something more.

His response surprised me.

He was fine about it. Pleased even. He said he liked seeing me get excited, having that dreamy look on my face. Being “sparkly.”

And he liked Matt a lot. The two of them were really good mates and DH had already spent the odd weekend visiting Matt and his missus.

But what about her, I hear you all ask?

Well you see that was the weird thing.

Rose and Matt had been together for 20 years. They had a really strong relationship. And had, shall we say, dabbled in a bit of bed hopping already during that time.

Apparently she just found it kind of amusing.

I mean we’d never even met.

But she was cool with it too.

So what was to be done?

As the text messages and now emails were flowing thick and fast there was only one thing for it. We would meet up. Hopefully not find each other attractive in the flesh and that would be that.

We arranged to drop by on our way to visit other friends one weekend.

It was Matt’s birthday, as good an excuse as any.

A couple of hours in Matt and Rose’s company flew by in minutes. And when I hugged him goodbye I didn’t want to let go. There was that tingle again.

We spent the rest of the weekend texting like mad. It was worse than ever.

Living quietly…

We seduced Jake again too.

And this time for real.

He was worth the wait.

After that party it was like we had opened Pandora’s Box. There was no stopping us it seemed.

A couple of very close friends knew but it wasn’t something we wanted everyone to know about. Not because we were ashamed of it but we live in a very small town. We’ve got kids to think about. People hear about any kind of sexual deviation from whatever is considered normal and assume all sorts of things. We didn’t want any problems.

The friends we did tell responded pretty positively. Mostly with curiousity. And some were slightly puzzled. “Do you never get get jealous?” they would ask. But we didn’t.

I can’t remember exactly why I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore.

Part of it I think was the sense that I was split in two. I don’t know if its a bit like if you are gay and you try and stay in the closet. I remember feeling very in the closet.

Friends from work would talk of what they had been up to at the weekends and then would ask me what I’d been up to. “Well, actually I spent the weekend rolling around naked with some complete strangers”

Eh…no.

I felt obliged to lie and would generally reply I’d been “living quietly”. As you do.

I was never completely convinced they believed me.

Especially given the huge grin I often had.

But I began to dread being “found out.” Being outed.

The closest we ever came to that was when we met a girl at a party who had been to school with my sister. That was hilarious.

I was also starting to worry about how much time it was taking from “our” life together. Me and DH. The whole experience of looking up couples on the internet began to feel like “shopping at Argos”.

The novelty of it was wearing thin and I was starting to realise that something was missing.

Bodies without real people, real emotions attached to them were all well and good but it just started to feel a bit cold.

And I was starting to worry that this might not bode well for me and DH.

I asked him if we could stop.

He was a little disappointed to be sure, but totally tried to understand. He agreed without any need for discussion. We would give monogamy another try.

I’m not sure how many months that lasted. It certainly wasn’t long.

It began as a dare. I random “what does this button do?”

I texted DH’s friend from work one night.

We’ll call him Matt.

I had never met him, had no idea what he looked like and only partial memory of his voice on the phone the odd time.

To this day I don’t know why I did it?

Or why Matt responded.

Monogamy was to be short lived.

No fruitbowls full of keys?

No fruitbowls full of keys?

Forget everything you’ve read about swinging.

It was nothing like that.

Definately no fruitbowl full of keys!

We’d chatted to the hosts couple a few times on the internet.

Swapped pictures.

No…..not those kind of pictures.

In fact curiously its one of the things I dislike about the whole scene. You go to most of the websites and its all genital close ups. Not that aesthetically pleasing really. Thankfully we found people who felt the same. They perhaps posed for some very tasteful nudes or simple out of focus shots that leave you guessing. Much more our thing.

Anyway, we swapped “look we are both real people with faces and clothes and bad wallpaper in our hall” type pictures.

Talked enough to decide these people probably weren’t serial killers and made arrangements to join them for their next party.

The party was for bisexual couples. Not that common within the scene I’ve since learned. For some reason the swinging scene just like the rest of the world is more into the whole two girls thing than any male homo-erotisism. But not these people thankfully.

I have never been so nervous or so “oh my god what am I going to wear” before a party in my life.

I’m not sure what I expected. Would we arrive and find an orgy going on in the front room? Would we have to get undressed before we could go “upstairs”? What if no one fancied us?

We got to the house, an ordinary if impressively large, detached villa on a nice private estate, and rang the doorbell.

It was answered by an attractive couple in their late thirties, (fully clothed, I might add) and once introductions were made and some small talk about the balmy hot weather, we were led into a kitchen full of nice attractive middle class couples drinking wine and talking about property prices.

Just your regular party.

I had a couple of drinks in quick succession. DH stayed sober throughout, partly because he was driving and partly because he was nervous enough without wanting to risk not being able to “perform” later.

Thankfully another “newbie” couple arrived and we were able to chat to them about the nerves and such like.

The party went like this for quite a while. And then people began getting more friendly and flirty and then started pairing off (or three-soming, or even I think a quad at one point) and drifting up the stairs.

In some ways it reminded me of teenage parties. You know when you were young and people had parties purely for the opportunity to get off with people and the whole thing is like a charade for who will end up with whom? Except this time with grown ups and beer bellies and stretch marks.

By the time we were happily led up the stairs I had actually managed to forget that this was not normal married behaviour. I was just having such a good time.

There is something incredibly liberating about a roomful of naked people.

I can’t really describe it, its like all the status symbols, attached to what you wear, go out the window and there was a real sense of honesty in the room that night. A sense of this just feels good. No emotional power-play. No wondering if you are “good enough” as a lover, as a person either. Everything is just stripped back to the basics. Pleasure for pleasures sake. Why can’t life be more like this more of the time?

We went home in the early hours of the next morning feeling incredibly decandant. I don’t think I’d ever felt as close to my husband as I did that night.

So why then, I ask myself now, did I have to go and move the bloody goal posts?

First Dates and Disasters

First dates and disasters

My first date was a bit of a disaster to be honest.

The chap was nice enough but he wanted to know my life story.

I had been very upfront about what I was after, made it very clear I was looking for fun, not a relationship.

After all I had one of those.

He kept saying he was only looking for fun as well but his questions and I don’t know…just a look of desparation about him made me feel otherwise.

I should have left it there and then but we ended up fumbling about in the back of my car.

It wasn’t particularly satifying, and I felt bad because I think this guy was really looking for a girlfriend. My next email I made some excuses and then I was a total bitch and just never got in touch with him again.

I was feeling a bit shit and had sort of decided maybe it wasn’t for me.

But a few months later me and DH are drinking wine and start looking again on the internet.

And we discovered that there are some really cool web-sites out there.

And some really scary ones.

But there are sites with couples just like ourselves.

Normal people.

People who like us think of themselves as hedonists or who are just looking for a bit of an adventure.

Because I need to make something clear here.

For us it’s never simply been about the sex as such.

Yeah sex is great and there’s nothing more exciting than the touch of a new lover

(except perhaps the joy that is the touch of someone who has loved you for years)

Part of it is the sense of the forbidden. Part of it is the beauty of really getting to know someone else, the sensuality of it, and the fun of sharing that experience with your partner whether at the time or afterwards.

You don’t belong to each other but you still know you want to be together.

We got chatting with a few couples. Couples we clicked with.

And thats how we got invited to our first swinging party…

Our first time (nearly)

So you’re back for the next chapter.

Except you mum (yes she knows, I’ll explain why later, but that doesn’t mean she wants to read the gory details)

Now where were we?

Our list.

Ahh….so you ask, how does one get from having an innocent list to being mad swingers?

Well we started to notice we had some pretty attractive friends.

The idea became less frightening.

But we figured, no. Friends are too close. I mean it could all get a bit messy if things didn’t exactly work out.

But then one night a friend of ours, lets call her Dianne, turns up with a gorgeous bloke we didn’t really know. We’ll call him Jake. Dianne isn’t dating him or anything she’s just worked with him for years. And there was this chemistry. This unbelievable chemistry.

So Dianne has to leave early in the evening, but Jake stays on.

We drink a bit.

We all have a bit of a smoke.

DH has by now realised I quite like this chap and he is flirting like crazy right back at me. Jake goes for a pee and DH raises his eyebrows at me.

Jake returns. The atmosphere is absolutely electric and of course the conversation turns to sex.

In the end it just came out.

Did he want to go to bed with me?

“Yes.”

Much giggling (I did say I was stoned)

And then feeling awkward. That old fashioned conditioning kicks in.

I’m like I so wish I’d met you before I got married.

In the end it didn’t happen. Well not that night anyway…

But it did get us thinking…

DH decided it was side of himself he missed. I agreed.

Neither of us has been much good at monogamy.

Neither of us believes that it makes a huge deal of difference as to whether you love someone or not.

I mean I love my husband for a whole host of reasons not just because we share a bed everynight.

How many people can hand on heart say they’ve never fancied anyone else?

Why do we not act on it?

Because we’re told not to?

We’re told we should feel jealous and insecure and throw away years old relationships if it happens.

Why is that?

Sex can be about so much more than an expression of love. It should be at the very least an expression of like. But love? That’s built of tougher stuff. Thats built from sharing your life and your dreams and your honest self with someone else isn’t it?

And so we agreed to open our marriage to some new possibilties.

In his case he met up with some men, a couple of whom have become very good friends as well as lovers.

He comes home from these adventures recharged and ready to conquer the world.

I’ve never felt threatened or uncomfortable with these meetings.

But I also wanted some excitement.

I’d enjoyed feeling desired by someone new.

We talked a lot about what might work.

After chatting to a number of men on the internet (what a wonderful invention for anonymous sex) I went on my first date for several years…

Why you shouldn’t sleep with your husband’s boss (part 1)

 

Do you remember me mentioning about the time I slept with my husbands boss?

And how I’d maybe do a post about it sometime?

Well some stuff has happened recently and I think now maybe it’s time I dealt with some of the issues around that whole period. I figure the relative anonimity of the blogsphere might be the best place to kind of throw some of this around. Everything else I have told you has been so sypathetically received and I’ve found it very theraputic.

So it’s guts spilling time. Mum, if you’re reading this you might want to just ignore the next couple of posts. I’ll tell you when it’s safe to look again. Either that or you have to just pretend you haven’t read it next time you see me. But I do need to get some of this straight in my head.

As for the rest of you.

Well it’s a long story so I’m going to spread it over a few posts. Think of this as the first chapter.

We’ll call it…

Events leading up to sleeping with my husband’s boss.

Me and DearHusband (DH)  met seven years ago. It was very intense very quickly. I soon realised this man was very special. And as confused as me about life, who he is, what makes him tick as I am. From the beginning the sex was amazing. Without wanting to sound really gushy this was my soul mate.

And he still is. And I hope very much he always will be too. Like I’ve said before, he’s great.

Before I met him I was aware of something which is quite relevant to this whole story.

DH is bisexual.

He has never either hidden it nor made a big deal out of it. He just happens to find some men attractive as well as some women.

I would also say I’m bisexual. Though I’ve only ever acted on it a couple of times, the potential is definately there.

So we get by the early stages. We have our ups and downs but over the next couple of years we get to a place were we both feel safe enough with each other to start exploring our boundaries.

We begin to write up a Jonathan Ross list.

You know what a Jonathan Ross list is don’t you?

No?

Okay… Jonathan Ross, of UK chat show fame, has by all accounts a great relationship with Mrs Ross. And they have this list. On this list are the names of all the coolest, most gorgeous people. You know, the kind of people fantasies are made of. And for Mr & Mrs Ross the agreed upon names on this list are the people that if either of them ever got the opportunity to shag then it doesn’t count as infidelity.

Its a fun game.

If you have an open minded partner I definately recommend trying it just to see where you’d agree.

Of course you keep it as celebrities and such like because then its just fantasy.

Its not ever going to happen right?

Well we had our list.

For the record it looked something like this…

• Johnny Depp
• Angelina Jolie
• Bradd Pitt
• Kylie

However, one slightly drug and alcohol fueled night our list got a that little bit bigger.

We began to list people we knew.

And so began our tentative toe dipping into the seedy world of swinging.

Kissing

A kiss can mean so very much. 

The pressing of two mouths together.

Jim had been flirting with me all night at the New Years Party.  My husband was in the kitchen drinking beer with his friends.  But Jim took notice of me.

Something about the way he looked . 

Eyelashes that go on forever and those big open blue eyes.  He was as attracted to me as I was to him.

Later in the night we sat on the landing.  Both hiding from the party below, the noise and the laughter.

We shared a joint and leaned into one another.  His thigh was warm against mine.

We chatted and the subject of kissing came up.  

“Kissing is what it’s all about” he said.

His mouth just inches from me.  His eyes gazing over my lips.

What would his tongue feel like inside me?

And then Shaun appeared.  Bumbling Shaun.

I let out my breath.

We rejoined the party.

 *

The early morning comes and it’s time for goodbyes.  Hugs for everyone. 

“See you soon…”

“We must do dinner.”

When it’s time for Jim to leave I see him out alone.

We stand on the doorstep like awkward adolescents.

I say “well goodnight then, it was lovely to meet you”

He leans in and brushes his mouth against mine.

The electricity surges from my navel to my lips.

His lips are moist and warm and his tongue darts in ever so slightly.  I can’t help but respond.

His hand strokes up and over my breast under the thin fabric of my clothes.

He caresses my face and kisses me deeply.

We neck like teenagers.